My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
