Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
