I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
