I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize