I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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