How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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