Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
