I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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