Do you still have your period?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
