k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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