made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
