My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Pants are for mortals
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize