I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
