I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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