Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
