I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
