Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize