The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
