The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
