I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
