Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
