God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
