If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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