I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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