I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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