I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
