God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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