omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
