No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
