no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
