Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
