Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
