There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I have feelings that need drinking.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
