a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
