in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
