I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
