Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
