Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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