Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
