Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
