My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize