I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
