he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize