I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
