i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
