I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
