I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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