Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
