Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
