his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
