Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
