There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
