If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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