my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
