I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My balls are so social today.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
