Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I still have a little drunk in my system
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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