A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
